There’s a simple way for me to discern the difference between a request and a demand—watch my reaction when I’m denied. If I feel upset in any way, it was a demand (as in beset with expectations).
So the trick might be to shed one’s expectations.
In the Dharma, there are said to be three primary imbalances of the mind. These are sometimes called clinging, aversion, and ignorance.
Going backwards, one can think of ignorance as similar to psychological denial.
Aversion is not liking things as they are, and the two primary ways in which most of us react to such a state of affairs are through anger and/or fear—or pushing away and pulling away, respectively, from that which we don’t like.
Clinging can be an inward clinging, such as to identity, concepts, and beliefs, or it can be an outward clinging such as to people, sex, things, and so on. Whether one clings to a person out there or to a noble-sounding idea like equality or “being a good person,” it’s still clinging.
My favorite synonym for clinging is expectations.
So, when we’re laden with expectations, what we’re doing is we’re clinging. It can even be to a belief like “People should be decent.”
But what happens when we meet someone who’s not a decent person? If we’re getting upset over it, it’s likely that we're clinging to the belief that they *should* be decent. If we didn’t cling to such a belief, we’d likely see the person as they are without getting emotional about their behavior.
So the fault of our emotional imbalance isn’t the other, but our own clinging, or expectations about others' behaviors.
When I meet an asshole, I like to run a particular thought through my mind, “This person *should* be an asshole (just not me).” Sometimes, I might need to run it a few times. But within a few seconds, I’ve got a smile on my face, and I’m done resisting reality. That is, I’m done clinging to beliefs that directly contradict reality.
So, if I make a request, and someone says, “No,” I try to remind myself, “This person *should* say no,” and I’m at peace with the denial. I might also kick that person out of my life, but that’s a different issue depending on what they’ve said no to. 🤣😝
